3:14AM On Music

It's 3AM. My computer's battery is half dead (half alive?). There's an empty Smirnoff bottle on my bed (my sister's bed). I haven't eaten since 11PM or so - the alcohol has comforted me more than it normally would.

Comforted? Did I need to be comforted? Why else would I pick that word? Why didn't I pick, "relax," or "chill," or "warm," or... I don't know. Why "comforted"? I am comforted, though. So, maybe I did need to be.

I'm listening to music I feel luke warm about.

That has changed. No one should ever listen to music they feel luke warm about. Especially when they're listening to music by choice - for enjoyment. For love.

I hate that it's so undervalued. Under appreciated. Music. Some days, it's the only thing that gives me energy. More energy than my goddamn coffee or tea ever could. Some days, it's the only thing that takes my breath away.

That should be rule number one of living - something should take your breath away every day, at least once a day. If it doesn't, you're living wrong.

People think science is so important. And it is. I suppose. But you study all these things around you, and you learn and discover. So what? So, then it's taken and used and things change. So what? So, then life for everyone is healthier, lengthened, improved. So what? So - science betters the quality of life. That's why science is important. It's immediately obvious to everyone who looks at science. Clearly science is something to put time, effort, energy, and - last but not least, of course - money into.

I call bullshit.

Science is for the privileged. How is your science helping the quality of life of those who have weeks left to live? How is your science helping the quality of life of the third world countries? How is your science helping the quality of life of those who cannot afford to buy it?

Answer: It's not.

Why is music important?

I can't answer that question. At least, not on a universal level. On a personal level - it makes me happy. It's the only thing aside from the pills I pop that calms my racing mind and fills my lungs to their full capacity. Listening to it gives me energy. Motivation. Creating it, sculpting it, sharing it gives me purpose - more motivation. And writing it? Putting scribbles on paper, handing that paper to someone, and then hearing its reality? That is the most un-fucking-real experience you'll ever have. It's something so beautiful, you almost forget how to breathe.

Why is music important?

For me - it betters my life. I have a general anxiety disorder - if I don't pop some pills, I have a mild panic attack at least once every other day. I can't fall asleep in under 2 hours. I facetiously remind myself that if I were dead, I wouldn't have to deal with any of this (apparently healthy people don't have these thoughts - or so I'm told).

When I play my flute, I breathe. Deeply. That's something I can't seem to do on my own when I'm not medicated. Anyone with any type of anxiety will tell you that the first thing you need to learn to do is to control your breathing. Breathing mitigates my panic attacks. Combine the breathing with the need to focus in order to create decent music, and my panic attack is gone.

My mind races at night when I try to fall asleep. I can't get my inner dialogue to shut the fuck up. I think about everything I have to do still. I yell at myself for not having been more productive that day. Mental to-do lists and a list of things to improve on. But if I manage to think of the melody from "Cafe 1930s" from History of the Tango by Astor Piazzolla I'm at peace. I don't think of anything except that beauty of a piece and I'm out.

Granted, if I went halvesies - if I decided to go off my meds and just use music as my sole form of treatment or vice versa - my life wouldn't be as functional. Anti-depressants keep the anxiety away when I can't get to a practice room (such as during class). They keep me calm during high-pressure and/or high-stress situations. Science is not without its worth - but, even so, it's not all that it's cracked up to be. Music is much more readily available to poverty-ridden communities than science is.

And art programs, music programs, humanities programs - they're all being cut around the country, in the interest of having more funding for science.

What did I just say about going halvesies?